Fool Me Once

Fuck you Sea Monkeys.

Look at you, in your tank, not growing.

Now look at the faces of my incredibly sad children anxiously peering into the water wondering what went wrong.

Did they not follow the directions to the letter?
Did they over/under feed you?
The water temperature, was that okay?
They didn’t love you enough maybe?

Well, perhaps you’ve forgotten that long ago slice of time that I spent trying to get your fake ass brine shrimp poser selves to live.

Remember the ad in the back of the comic books that we all sent in?

It promised smiling, crowned merpeople with pitchforks that could knock on the tank wall when they wanted to chat and hang out.

They never materialized.

Now the pain starts all over again.

I hate you.

Except this time, you’ve involved three naive boobs who sit around willing you to LIVE.

I hate you Sea Monkeys. You are the reason I cannot trust.



Filed under I hate fakes, I'm an idiot, my husband told me not to buy these, now I have a double crushed soul, people who trust too much, sea monkeys

15 responses to “Fool Me Once

  1. Sea Monkeys are the work of Satan. Seriously.

  2. You should try triops:

    Instead of monkeys, they’re dinosaurs and they get pretty big. We tried to grow some, but they died. The instructions were pretty complicated.


    • dufmanno

      Do these triops have crowns and carry special sea spears because these are things I need.
      I also want ones that have boobs and eyelashes if they are female to carry around the little baby seamonkeys.
      I don’t think I’m asking too much here.

      • They’re fucking dinosaurs! They don’t need spears or crowns because they could trample those candy-ass sea monkeys to death!

        However, now that you have your sea monkeys up and running, maybe you can confiscate their crowns and spears and provide them to your triops instead.

        Because there’s nothing more badass than armed dinosaurs.


  3. Angel

    Call me a wimp if you will but the thought of something called sea monkeys that looked like that living in my house would scare me witless.

    Give me a good old fashioned hamster as a pet any day. Virtually indistructable, magically disappear for days on end then suddenly reappear, keep you awake all night on their exercise wheel and capable of taking a finger off with one bite.

    My sister and I had a whole colony of them when we were kids and we still have the multiple puncture wounds to prove it.

    • dufmanno

      We have had an unfortunate past with hamsters and guinea pigs. RIP little buddies.
      The sea monkey seems like an attainable goal.
      Warm and social but not taking up too much time and space. Plus you can’t step in their shit.
      Somehow I find myself still watching the little red tank and hoping…

  4. Oh the days I wasted waiting to see the little blonde sea monkey mom…
    Turns out she was just a lying whore who had no pants on.

  5. For reals? When I was rockin’ the completely hairless look I was a dead ringer for the girl sea monkey. Dad told me daily. I didn’t have a trident, though. Or a crown. And I wore pants.

    I’m going to stop now…

    • dufmanno

      I might have believed you didn’t own the trident but I like to think you have worn a crown without pants on at some point.

  6. What exactly is a sea monkey? As a kid I would see the adverts in the back of my comic books and they scared me. Really scared me.

    Call me crazy but I’ve always been suspicious of sea creatures without any genitals to speak of.

    Apparently I haven’t missed out on much.

  7. I always wanted sea monkeys when I was a kid and my mom always refused, stating she wasn’t spending money on crap. My nephews and I were lured in last summer and bought some. Nothing happened. My younger newphew looked at me one day and said I owed him new G.I. Joe “action figures” (not to be confused with dolls) because at least they do something and if not we can sacrifice them on the bonfire and the sea monkeys I bought we crap…not to mention boring!

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