I Suspect the Kids Might Actually Be Doing These Things On Purpose

 

Probably the last thing I'll ever see.

Sometimes I get the unnerving feeling that my kids are out to get me.

Not the usual my kids are sucking the marrow from my bones and I have not one iota of energy or sense of self left to keep me alive type of getting me.

This is malice aforethought.

I’ll site you some random examples from the last few days.

1) When a pollster for Adrian Fenty arrived at my door to ask me if he could count on my support during the upcoming election, I felt a gentle shove from behind pushing me over the threshold onto the front porch. Then I heard the distinct dreaded sound of the door locking behind me. No matter how hard I smashed on the windows or how loud I screamed, I wasn’t getting in.

2) They spent the better part of an hour-long road trip  throwing dangerous projectiles inside the car. Several times I thought they had enough velocity to smash out the front windshield. After a dressing down they decided to make the sound of the little boy from The Grudge for the rest of the ride fraying what was left of my two very unstable nerves.

3) My boys were playing whack a mole with bowling pins and various household objects until we refocused them on something less destructive where they sent a small furry stuffed animal back and forth on the floor. Much better right?

Wrong.

They decided this furry mammal was a beaver and kept smashing it with the bowling pins screaming “BEAVER SHOT!” at the top of their lungs. My husband and I were paralyzed with fear unsure if we were being baited or if it really was an innocent mistake.

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10 Comments

Filed under afternoon time wasters, am I doing anything right?, bad parenting, I don't know how to end a blog post, i don't like mondays, I have 3, i love kids, I REALLY DO, il duce is five, interesting things I saw today, kids, kids and parenting, kids growing up, kids that don't fit the mold, kids that like cursewords, kids with potty mouth, monday blahs

10 responses to “I Suspect the Kids Might Actually Be Doing These Things On Purpose

  1. Angel

    I have to be honest, I do feel a little relieved after reading your post and may be able to offer you a little comfort too.

    I don’t think it is your children as such, it is more children in general. I have two little tales you will be able to relate to.

    While bending over to look at the tadpoles in my sisters pond my niece shoved me from behind, I only just managed to avoid falling in.

    Her father let her sit on his lap and hold the wheel of the car while he backed it out of the garage. Without warning she spun the wheel round and the car missed me by inches.

    She is nearly four and I was wondering if she had heard me tell my sister I would leave her my house in my will.

    Now I know she is just out to get me because thats what kids do…..I think.

    • dufmanno

      Yeah, at first I thought it was the combo of Zyrtec and Rainbow Skittles but the more I thought about it the more it seemed premeditated.
      Never turn your back.

  2. Angel

    I have to tell you this.

    I was a little confused about the word “Beaver Shot”, it is not a phrase we use in the UK and I didn’t want to appear silly by asking.

    I have just Googled it (so glad I didn’t ask) and after wiping tears of laughter from my eyes suddenly felt quite sorry for you.

    I can only just cope part-time with one niece but I have renewed respect for you now coping full-time with three sons.

    • dufmanno

      Aren’t they delightful.
      Sorry, I should have known that only dirty malcontents like myself use a vile term like beaver shot.
      You’d think all those years working in the porn industry would have worn off by now.

  3. at least they are working together, right?

    • dufmanno

      So true. I guess it helps to focus on the positive here.
      This morning they were clearly focused on making sure I was dead by lunchtime so they are doing a fantastic job.

  4. You probably should have over-reacted and lectured them on using inappropriate language, explaining the complex cinemagraphic benefits of a quality beaver shot and how they shouldn’t take that for granted.

    Peace,
    Shannon

    • dufmanno

      I was too paralyzed by indecision.
      Once it’s out you can’t put it back in.
      Again, this sounds bad.

  5. “Beaver shot!”

    There is no way that’s an accident. You have cable.

    • dufmanno

      As far as I know they have not yet started screaming “beaver shot” on basic cable with the exception of Jon & Kate plus 8.

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