Things are Not as They Appear.

This Sunday I had myself a true Judas Iscariot moment.

I denied knowing my own children at the grocery store.

Then I stopped after reading that last line and asked myself  “Hey girl who spent her whole life chained to a pew in parochial school! WHO was it now that denied Jesus three times?” “Why YES you moron that would be Peter.”

Judas sounds so much more theatrical though, so I’m keeping it even thought it is not historically accurate.

While waiting patiently in the checkout line my two boys began to act a little squirrely.

They were redirected to the front of the store near the exits brought there by my beleaguered mother who was lacking her usual sharp tongue and was hanging there like a limp dishrag due to a debilitating migraine.

 This means that the boys were running in circles, screaming about having a girlfriend, punching each other, jumping off the bench my mother was passing out on, smashing the video machine with the dollar rentals and accosting the automatic lotto dispenser.

Two über uptight couples with pursed thin lips were starting to shake their heads in disbelief and exchanging disgusted looks with each other at the volume and sheer audacity of the two unruly boys and their comatose caretaker.

“So rude and disrespectful” noted one.

“Why isn’t she doing anything to control them?” asked the other.

Then Il Duce let loose with a rank profanity followed by a roaring hysterical cackle and I watched them gasp with horror.

They were truly disgusted.

“CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!” they croaked, looking at me.

I thought for a moment. There were thousands of ways I could go here but I opted for betrayal.

“I know!” I commiserated, as I lugged the rest of my fresh produce onto the belt.

I didn’t feel nearly as bad as I know I should have but it was just so much easier to cut and run regarding knowing this lot than to try to explain them to someone who wouldn’t care.

After scooping my mother up off the bench and driving her back home so she could suffer her mind exploding agony alone on her couch I spoke briefly to the boys about minding their behavior in public. But my pleas fell on deaf ears as they were both fast asleep in the back.

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10 Comments

Filed under 1, adversity, am I doing anything right?, bad manners, bad parenting, being shallow and crass, boys with serious attitude, buffoonery, can I have a normal day, cowards, crazy ramblings, disasters, discipline, giving up, I complain too much, I don't know how to end a blog post, i don't like mondays, i love kids, I REALLY DO, I'm not as effective in a bad situation as I thought I would be, kids, kids and parenting, kids that like cursewords, random observations

10 responses to “Things are Not as They Appear.

  1. Aw, screw it. Is it ok for kids to be buttholes? No. Definitely not. In this case, though, you’re talking about bystanders that are in PUBLIC. No explanation or apology is needed, as the kids didn’t do more than possibly disrupt them and give them a topic for conversation.

    I enjoy people watching, and commenting, but some people live to bitch about other people’s lives and decisions.

    • dufmanno

      Yeah but my kids are REALLY big assholes.
      Just kidding.
      Usually my mother is like a whirling dervish of behavior modification and she shepards them out of the area so they don’t disrupt others.
      On Sunday however, she was a shadow of a human so the kids decided to test those waters to see how it worked out for them.
      It’s okay, no one knew we were related.

  2. I do this to my husband all the time. Pretend he’s not mine, I mean. Usually it’s on a half empty subway after an pickle and corned beef fart.

  3. jerkstores.
    the people in line – not your kids. aren’t grocery stores made for kid anarchy? I see it all the time… as soon as my giant child figures out how to escape the cart I’m sure he’ll be hellfire. I applaud you on not being one of those Moms that scolds in public. Now that sucks.

    • dufmanno

      I imagine I would have been worse off if #3 had been with us because that adds a whole new layer of conflict but I seemingly can compartmentalize the offenders and drop them in a bin labeled “not mine”.
      Sorry kids.

  4. LOL!!! This is freaking hilarious. I remember one time when I “acted out” in the supermarket when I was a kid. My mom gave me the warning look which I ignored. She then followed up with some choice, stern words which I balked at. Finally, she proceeded to lay down a serious licking on me in the cereal aisle. It felt like it lasted for 10 minutes although it was probably more like 2 minutes.

    Public flogging was so accepted back then. If this happened in 2010, she and I would have ended up on you tube, gone viral in hours and had child services at our door in a NY minute.

    I guess in 2010, you have no other choice than to deny your children some time. 😉

    • dufmanno

      At any given time in the mall or grocery store there were three consecutive ass kickings going on when I was growing up. Mother’s were losing their shit all over the place and no one even blinked an eye.
      You are right about going viral within minutes. The world is covered with do gooder buttinskies that freak if you look sideways at a child.
      I remember watching some nasty lady rip into a young mother who had an out of control kid she was trying to get a hold of.
      She threatened to call child services and the police if the mom didn’t stop dragging the kid by his arm. I FELT for that mother. I’ve been there. I never judge anymore because I don’t know how badly some poor womans day has gone. I do, however offer to help any frayed parent I see because couldn’t we all use an extra hand once and awhile?
      Still, my boys were ANIMALS that day.

  5. Irene

    “I know!” will now be my response to any inappropriately directed complaint. “Don’t look at me,” I’ll say, “Those cats were obviously raised by wolves.”

  6. You did just say, “I know,” right? That’s technically not a lie…you didn’t actually say “those children are total strangers who I’ve never seen before ever.” So, you’re absolved as far as I’m concerned.

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