Barbie On Fire

All the years of careful disaster training, the drills, the metal fire ladder purchase, the detailed escape plan, the nose like a bloodhound.

These things were rendered USELESS in the blink of an eye.

This morning at 5:30 a.m. we were nearly done in by a badly dressed Barbie doll left too close to an ancient defective stove in the basement.

You almost killed me! Next time I'm buying BRATZ.

My husband dropped by our room after he had effectively saved our lives by destroying the blaze singlehandedly with a pan of dirty water.

He didn’t want me to panic if I smelled the aroma of burnt plastic.

I had slept through the WHOLE THING.

Apparently Barbie was also sitting too close to the printer paper. FLAME ON!

My mother would be ashamed. She has spent a lifetime sharpening my skills and instilling in me a lifelong fear of fire since her own house burnt to the ground as a child.

Everyone escaped that fiasco but the eternal flame of terror in her mind had been lit never to be extinguished.

She trained me up right using our 200-year-old farm-house to illustrate her point. Namely that this sucker could go up in flames in seconds flat and you had to know how to stop, drop, roll, commando crawl, apply wet towels to your face and head and have your escape route planned.

Fortuitously, hubby was downstairs in the basement sleeping on the futon after being unceremoniously jettisoned from his own bed by a group of unruly children.

So thankfully, all is well now and everyone has gone back to school and work. That leaves me and the ticking time bomb stove sitting here together eyeing each other up.

Wait until I tell my mother.

Barbies burnt off arm with offending death trap stove.

burnt up printer from new angle.



Filed under 1, barbies, fire, I think that Barbie is out to get us, I think we need to change the batteries in the fire alarm, I'm not as effective in a bad situation as I thought I would be, safety, why you shouldn't have defective appliances

14 responses to “Barbie On Fire

  1. Barbie is hot.


  2. That’s a feature, right? A stove that just starts up at random? Set some jiffy pop on there for a tasty alarm for next time.

    Also, I hate to say it, but Barbie’s been avoiding proper amounts of sunscreen for far too long. This was bound to happen, even if in an unlikely way.

    • dufmanno

      I’ve been keeping an eye on it all day in case it decides to burst into flames (the stove).
      I used to have a barbie that could be put out in the sunlight and it would get a tan line.
      My friends and I would let them bake all day at the pool and check to see which one got the darkest.
      Mind you those were the days of baby oil and tin foil blankets so we didn’t have the best role models.

  3. Irene

    Damn. Glad you’re all okay, and hope you get a few new appliances out of it.

    Sleeping through Barbie’s immolation makes you even cooler to me.

    • Kelly

      As I sit here in car line collecting the kiddies my hubby and a professional are extracting the stove and throwing it in the appliance graveyard.
      I’m going to keep the remains of Barbie for fun.

  4. I love that men are still slipping that whore dollar bills even after she’s been burnt to a crisp.

    • dufmanno

      She does still have a strange sort of appeal. Some guys are into that I guess. I took the dollar.
      She was too far gone to appreciate it anyway.

  5. Barbie lit the fire in an attempt to get your husband alone in the basement… she intended for it to be all cozy like a campfire.

    • dufmanno

      I knew that succubus was up to no good.
      Now this means I need to keep my eye on the armies of retired barbies we have stuck in the toybox.

  6. I swear to god you and I are related on some alternate plane of reality.

    I grew up with several structural fires and a Mother who to this day will turn around after driving an hour to make sure she has turned off the coffee pot, even thought they don’t drink coffee any more.

    Glad you are all okay!

  7. dufmanno

    “Did we leave the coffee pot on?” is the second most popular line in this house.
    “will you please shut the fuck up” is the first.
    I actually will sniff floorboards if I think I smell smoke. Even if it’s just the neighbor lighting a holiday blaze in his fireplace.

  8. Poor Barbs. If her feet weren’t permanently welded in the high-heel position, she might have been able to run from the flames.

    Glad you’re all OK.

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