Open letter to the men in my house

Hey guys, how are you?

I know I’ve spoken to you about this before but maybe we need a refresher course or some sort of memory booster shot to keep it fresh in your mind.

Your aim.

It’s terrible.

There has been many a woeful night where I walked to the bathroom in inky blackness only to flop down on to a toilet seat soaked in ice-cold urine and gifted myself with a tactile memory that will remain forever chiseled in stone.

Today, armed with a bucket of bleach and a scrub brush, I confronted something that despite the lack of weekly scrubbing could only have been deliberate.

A gargantuan puddle of urine right at the base of the commode.

It was as if someone squatted and peed all over their own feet and the toilet base before adding a full spray along the back of the lid for extra pizzazz.

You know, I understand that having grown up an only child in a house that had four bathrooms and no boys shielded me from the realities of such things but can you please look where that stream is going?

Occasionally I indulge in a quick daydream where I am alone in a pristine spa bathroom engulfed in complete silence. No one else is allowed to use this sanctuary and I smile to myself as a gaze over at my gleaming dry toilet while I relax in a hot bubble bath.

Then I snap the hell out of it and realize the bleach fumes have gone to my head.

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9 Comments

Filed under 1, boys can't aim, I want a spa bathroom, random thoughts, sitting in pee is bad

9 responses to “Open letter to the men in my house

  1. So sometimes I leave my Us Weekly in the bathroom. My husband came out this morning carrying my magazine and threw it in the trash. I was all, “I haven’t finished the bible yet! Don’t throw it out!” He was all, “I peed on it.”

    Fucker.

  2. Angel

    I live with my best friend so we don’t have that problem. Not the nicest of experiences to have.

    She does however insist on keeping the bathroom window open (keeps the room fresh apparently) so whenever I stumble in bleary eyed in the middle of the night there is a thin film of frost on the seat.

    • dufmanno

      Oooo. Ice cold with frost instead of urine? That could also pose a potential problem for me. I like the seat hot, but not hot from someone sitting on it right before because that’s gross.

  3. Hey man, you don’t know what it’s like to have a penis! Don’t you oppress me!

    It doesn’t so much happen any more, but when I was younger I used to get a split-stream in the morning. There was no way to predict it. I’d just be there, ready to pee, and suddenly I’d have two streams going left and right and I’d have to choose which to aim into the toilet.

    And no, I’m not going to sit down to pee. My wife tried that one too.

    Peace,
    Shannon

    • dufmanno

      I don’t think I could recover from seeing a grown man sitting down to go pee. I even discouraged my own boys from doing it while potty training. Come to think of it I don’t believe I ever thought I’d see the day when I wasn’t elbow deep in diaper and pull up crap so I was thankful when ANY waste was making it into the toilet.

  4. Living with 3 boys I am totally with you. However, growing up (not in the US), the common practice where I came from is actually leaving the seat up. It’s not until I came to the US that I got used to the rule of the seat down and therefore got the deserved surprise in the dark when I found myself half way in the… eh container…

    • dufmanno

      HELLO! I can thankfully say that I have yet to experience the glory of falling in.
      That must have been quite the eye opener.

  5. That? Would just send me over the edge, with all of my pissues!

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