Why hello there.
Today I turn five. That’s right, while my mom runs around thinking of new ways to improve my behavior and dropping thousands of dollars in the process, I am honing my skills and preparing to unleash my full fury on the citizens of earth.
I love my birthday because it’s a day where it’s all about me, me, me. But lets face facts. That is not any different from any other day around here. Because isn’t it always ALL ABOUT ME?
There has been some chatter around here about a Star Wars cake and a trip to Great Wolf Lodge for kicks. That sounds great and all but it will take more than a sugary slice of bribery and a trip to an overpriced themed swimming pool to knock me off my game.
My mom has doled out the hugs and kisses with wild abandon today but then that all came to a screeching halt when the dog got a stomach virus and shit all over her oriental rugs. She went into germ and stain removal mode and hasn’t been the same since.
The gifts I received provided all of about five minutes of fun before the novelty wore off and they were tossed aside while I snapped a metal swifter handle in half and brandished it like a medieval sword to fight my brother.
So, enjoy your lives and keep an eye on me because I’ll probably be lurking around looking cute and surly for a few more years. Then I will be having that much-anticipated “growth spurt” that will afford me the physical strength and prowess to perform feats of great daring. You might want to get my mom a lifetime prescription of xanax and a beach house so she doesn’t worry so much. She is totally awesome and I plan to make sure she is in the best assisted living facility available paid for of course by the proceeds of my first bestselling expose: “Don’t Make Me Color With That Red Crayon Or I Will Hit You With This Bowling Pin- The Life and Times of Il Duce”
Happy Birthday to me!