Alone

I am alone. Utterly alone. That’s right, there is my nod to a recent triple viewing of Beetlejuice brought on by ten straight days of movie night bliss. It gets to be slim pickings on Netflix streaming after about three snow days. After ten you just begin watching the same shit over and over, but I digress.
How, you may wonder, did I ever manage this day of solitude? Among other things, my mother, in her overbearing, soul crushing glory, is also a wonderous and available babysitter. She took my children on Saturday and I haven’t had to deal with them since.

 I liken this deal to the hooker with a good heart who prostitutes herself during the evenings and then returns with her wad of cash to the orphanage where she hands over her earnings to the nuns and then cleans the floors with a toothbrush. In this convoluted case scenario I think I’m the hooker and my mother is the john. I’m not really sure who the orphans or the nuns are so maybe I better drop this comparison because it’s getting dirty and wrong and I think I just heard my floor crack open and Satan come up through the boards.

Nevermind. Let’s just say I endure her sometimes harsh criticism and acid tongue to reap the benefits of free weekends. I feel this is a fair trade-off even if it does make me feel a tad soiled sometimes.

After a long luxurious shower, I’m now off to the grocery store unencumbered where I can push my cart all leisurely and slow through the aisles while pretending I’ve got a life.

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8 Comments

Filed under 1, alone, analogies gone wrong, kids are away, wonderful solitude

8 responses to “Alone

  1. Grocery shopping? Lame… What you need is to assemble a bad-ass laser tag team kinda like a Fight Club, without all the bruises.

    I’ll be on your team! Now we need a name!

  2. I had to perform this song for my cat before I could actually read the post.

  3. (elly that was awesome)
    I keep rereading this post with pangs of jealousy. although did you mean soiled or spoiled?

    • dufmanno

      I am both soiled AND spoiled. Weird combo huh? All I know is the silence transformed me into a much better person instantly.

  4. Dude. I got a kid. I got things that can be criticized. Maybe your mom can turn me out next? Totally worth it for a day of solitude.

    • dufmanno

      It sure is. And that, folks, is why she and I have an uneasy but mutually beneficial truce. Keep the insults comin’ critical Sicilian clean freak!

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