Robot Love

I’m not insightful enough to be a critic, I just know when something hits me on a gut level causing either great joy or pain. Sort of like an amoeba or a jellyfish I guess. Being a very basic organism helps lower expectations and keeps the blues at bay because lets face it, food, water and continuing to survive are really all you need to keep on truckin’.  

Every once in a while however, something comes along that is so wonderful that it inspires me to lift my head from the primordial ooze and take notice. Usually these things are shiny and do awe-inspiring magic tricks but sometimes the sparkles and disco ball aren’t required to keep me interested. Here is such a thing.  

Behold the future.  

How can you not love him? He's smiling!

I guess you could say that they are shiny and they do awe- inspiring tricks but that would just negate the entire previous paragraph so I don’t want to do that. Let’s just agree that these future members of my family minions are going to help me get a handle on my world and then subsequently rock it.  

O.K. this guys looks a little leery but this robot is REALLY trying.

Oh John Connor. I loved you and I even came close to heeding the ghostly warnings you sent back with Kyle Reese for Sarah but I think you were wrong. Do you see malice in the smiling face of Asimo? No. You don’t do you? He wants to serve you a drink and cuddle up on the couch to watch American Idol together not terminate your yet to be knocked up mother. He and his friends are here to help us! Look at Roomba. All he wants to do is suck up all the shit your messy ass leaves in its wake. Does he want thanks? A pat on the head? NO!  

You just keep making a mess, and I'll keep cleaning it up!

I see the future through glasses far more rose-colored than Connor and Reese. In my world determined cyborgs don’t use high-capacity fire arms to attempt to  snuff out humanity.( Nor do beloved future resistance leaders send  blindingly hot freedom fighters through the time displacement equipment to seduce and have hot sex with mediocre waitresses but that’s a rant for another day). My metal and plastic friends clean my house, wipe my ass, escort me to the fridge and play music. I salute these benign helpful worker bees and plan on using as many as I can afford to run my household.  That way when my husband programs them to become self-aware and they stage a bloody coup it will be over quickly and painlessly with me none the wiser.  

Lock up your mother because I've got serious game.



Filed under 1, asimo, my new robot family, robots, roomba, the terminator, why we love kyle reese

15 responses to “Robot Love

  1. Robots are cool and all but I do have a disco ball should you desire. A real live honest to goodness disco ball.

  2. dufmanno

    How about a strobe light?

  3. I am pretty sure I could come up with that and a fog machine too. Disco baby…disco!

  4. Wait I’m confused. The amoeba is great joy and the jellyfish is pain? Am I missing the point?

    • dufmanno

      Oh Elly, you know I’m not that deep. I was just saying that simple organisms feel pain, pleasure and the need to eat. Just like me! That is why life as a simpleton is so much easier.

  5. I remind you of the very apt words of the good Dr. Ian Malcolm in that wretched piece of crap, Jurassic Park II…

    “Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and screaming. “

    • dufmanno

      But see, that’s where my plan actually makes sense as I will be their first victim. I don’t even get the chance to run and scream because they sneak up on me during the middle of the night. Everyone else can run, scream and then form an underground robot resistance. Good luck to you all.

  6. I would be a little uncomfortable with the robot watching me poop.

    Does he have to watch me poop? And can he dress less robot-y? Perhaps a nice pin stripe suit and some sensible shoes…

  7. First of all, I wouldn’t let him watch me poop, because he’s probably live-streaming it on the web… Secondly, his mouth says he’s smiling, but his cold hollow eyes say “I will get in the tub with you and steal your soul”.

    I think. I’ve never been good at reading robot eyes.

  8. We recently were gifted an old Roomba that MOTH managed to fix so that it works again. We have named him Mr. Belvedere, and I find it impossible not to anthropomorphize him by leaving extra bits of fuzz on the carpet, “because he looks hungry.”

    But I’m with Keeping You Awake on Asimo up there…I don’t quite trust him.

    • dufmanno

      Does not compute.
      Roomba loves to eat all our shit and seems to have a universal love for mankind and if he were ever to get out of line you could drop kick him from one end of the room to the other. Asimo though, looks like he wouldn’t go down without a serious fight. He’d be smiling at you the whole time too which would be totally distracting and disarming causing you to lose.

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