Good Monkey, Bad Monkey

This is for Elly,  who got my brain spinning this evening with talk of priceless chotchkies breaking and weird things around the house.
Meet the hairy monkey.

Holy shit!

He has been around collecting dust on what appears to be hair from a sacrificial “real” monkey that stays mysteriously glued to his body. Even though I can’t see any sort of adhesive besides the pure sticking power of evil that comes from him in waves, it just freaking stays on. Once I tried to tip him over and break him hoping that he would make a trip to the dumpster and get stolen by some unwitting crack whore but he proved indestructible like most things that have been shellacked by satan.

He belongs to my husband who clearly is under his influence on days where I find him annoying and clearly doing the monkeys bidding. Once I thought I saw the hairy monkey move, and on another occasion I found one of the kids talking to him. Since that proved a bit too Son of Sam for me, I banished the monkey to the lower floor of the house where he has sat plotting his revenge for the last couple of years.

I dare not throw him out at this point because you just KNOW that even if I drive him to Miami and drop him in the ocean , tomorrow I will hear a knock at the door and there he will be. Accompanied by a terrifying soundtrack.

Thank you Elly for my new nightmare.



Filed under 1, collecting dust, don't make the monkey mad, elly scared me, monkeys, scary statues, why do i have this in my house

21 responses to “Good Monkey, Bad Monkey

  1. Elly is good like that. She does make your brain spin…

    But WTF is up with that monkey?

    Please burn it. Hair and all. Tell your husband it was an accident. I think he’ll get over it.

  2. dufmanno

    Do you think that will make it go away forever? I need something fullproof.

  3. Dear. God. Make. It. End.

    That is so much worse than I even imagined. I mean…just…DAMN.

    Note that the hair has worn away from his mouth area. That’s from slowly sucking your soul from your body while you sleep, ya know.


  4. The Last Post

    Oh my goodness that looks so evil, I remember a horror story about a monkeys paw but will not relate it here. You don’t need to know what terrible things that did.

    I don’t think I could sleep at night with something like that in my house, I would have nightmares about it moving around at night.

    Actually I think it can see me through my computer screen.

    I have heard that if you break something like this under natural running water such as a stream it cannot come back to haunt you. But just to be on the safe side if you should try this please don’t tell the monkey it was my suggestion.

    • dufmanno

      Hairy monkey CAN see you through the screen, so your instincts were correct. He’s already on to you so – sorry too late.
      It’s like “The Ring”. Anyone who sees it will die in seven days. Now copy the photo and send it to all your enemies.

  5. dufmanno

    I told you people. Behold it’s horror. You’re lucky I didn’t post the side view pic. It’s all hunched over and crouched in a carnie pose. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if someone tossed it off the back of a wagon as the circus left town.

  6. john gill

    The monkey loves you.

    • dufmanno

      First off , this is wrong on so many levels I can’t even count them all. Please don’t make the monkey sing anymore. I promise to be a better wife and to not mock your monkey. Also, stop using the names of my old boyfriends to freak me out further. I was wondering what you were doing in the basement that was making the kids scream. Now I know.

      • Ok I just came back to here to tell you I’m STILL having nightmares about that effing monkey and I find THIS?!?!? Do you hate me? Does your husband hate me? Seriously!! Can you hear my soul crying from there? No? It’s cause your ghoulish monkey ate it.

  7. It reminds me of the monkey in “Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders” (look it up). It was one of those monkeys with the symbols… anyway, it as evil and the guy had to get rid of it without letting the evil monkey that he was trying to get rid of it.

    In the end, the monkey will kill us all.


  8. First off, thanks for showing us your hairy monkey, and further for not requiring a “I show you mine, you show me yours” policy. It has, however, inspired me to show you mine.

    Clearly, what I mean is that I want to share with you a picture of my odd item equivalent to a hairy monkey. Actually, a whole picture post of that brand of weirdness. Maybe a Flickr set.

    Not only have you inspired fear, you’ve inspired me to live! Well, living in fear… But living!!!

    • dufmanno

      Like I always say, living in the white hot grip of fear is better than not living at all. You should have the set of photos accompany the twisted tale of Mormon underworld parties you currently have rolling over there. THAT would make some heads turn. See what Elly did to everyone? One broken vase and we all went off the deep end.

      • Not just ANY vase. I found a piece of Poon Tang in the closet today. I wept. And then your freakish monkey kicked me…well, in my head he did.


        That fucking monkey.

  9. That is a scaring fucking monkey. Seriously creepy.

  10. That monkey looks distinctly West African – do u know his origin??

    Holli in Ghana

    • dufmanno

      I don’t know where it came from. My husband seems to have information on it’s origin but isn’t sharing it. I fear that it’s just one of those things that appeared one day.

  11. I looked up the monkey issue for you – here is the advice I got from this site:

    How do I properly dispose of cursed Voodoo dolls?

    If you feel that you are in possession of a negative Voodoo doll, the best thing to do is to put it in a white cloth and sprinkle it generously with sea salt. You can then take it to a river or stream or deep in the woods with an offering of fruit and some coins and ask the spirits of the water or the trees to take this energy and transform it through the power of the earth. Walk away without looking back and when you arrive home light a 7-day protection candle and take a bath with cleansing herbs, including sea salt.

    Alternately, you can:

    On a Saturday, place the doll (or object) in a clean white cloth, dig a hole in the earth, far away from your home (on Hallowed ground if possible), place the cloth wrapped dolls in the hole and burn them. Then, cover the ashes which remain with Holy Water or May Water and cover the hole over with the dirt. The earth will recycle that negative energy very quickly and turn it into positively and Blessings. When you return home afterwards, bathe very well, adding some Holy Water or May Water to your bath.

    • dufmanno

      Well being a good lapsed Catholic with a super aggressive Sicilian church fiend mother, I happen to have that holy water on hand.
      Sea salt- check
      clean white cloth-check
      back up local stream-check
      Thank you for the advice!

  12. Now the only thing is to pull this off without your hubby or neighbors thinking you’ve gone stark raving mad! 🙂

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