What Happened To You?

This is not me, but I feel like I understand where she is coming from.

Currently on the second day of marinating in my own filth, I have finally summoned the will to get out of the chair and head up to the shower. How does someone get to such a point? Actually, this is amateur hour compared to the down in the trenches battle hardened resolve I had when my kids were really small. I think I hold the world record for consecutive days without bathing. Two weeks, if I remember correctly. I knew when my  husbands eyes started to water every time he came close to me that I might be pushing the envelope. Those were the times when night blurred into day and you never had any idea what day of the week it was much less gave a crap about what you looked like. Survival, stolen minutes of sleep and the occasional glimpse of sunlight and gasp of fresh air. That’s all you needed to make it.

Now I have no excuse.  The stretched out terry cloth yoga pants that call to me daily from the dirty hamper to put them on instead  of the stiff ill-fitting jeans that go SO much better with the Old Navy sweater I just purchased are clearly trying to tell me something. At what point did warm comfort trump fashion sense, common decency and looking respectable in public?

This past week we spent countless hours watching marathon jags of TLC (the only network where the prerequisite for snagging your own show is the ability to use your uterus as a clown car) and every time I looked down I noticed that at least two of us were wrapped in a Snuggie. That’s right, we have three.  Laugh if you will (and I know you will) but we were really warm and happy.

That’s why things like the Snuggie are a very dangerous slippery slope for people like me. First you are all cozied up on your couch with your similarly attired family and then you find yourself unable to leave the comfort and warmth of your spot and you start sending for help to bring the Doritos bag and glass of iced tea.

It’s not as if I’ve totally thrown in the towel. There WAS that expensive trip to the salon a few weeks ago to vanquish grey roots and snip dead ends and I am planning to get myself a few post holiday sale items this week.

So my New Year’s promise to myself is to man up and start wearing clothes that qualify as “non-vagrant” wear.  I will make an effort to spare the public scorched retinas and scrunched noses by showering and using all those fancy products that sit in my bathroom. And finally I vow to never don the Snuggie before nine in the evening with the understanding that it is never to be worn outside the house. (Sorry mailman)

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10 Comments

Filed under 1, bad tastes, being lazy, comfort trumps fashion, crazy ramblings, giving up, old people are always cold, snuggies rock

10 responses to “What Happened To You?

  1. Wait. Are you talking about bathing…like…EVERY day? I’m all about wallowing in my funk and I’m not sure I can condone your actions. Then again, it could be because I’m still reeling from the visual of “use your uterus as a clown car.” *shivers*

    • dufmanno

      No, sadly. Bathing every day would be considered the ultimate victory. I just want to start with the baby steps like every other day, or the much maligned “hooker shower”. I apologize in advance for that visual as well. My aunt Marion taught me that.

  2. Sadly, you are not the record holder. That title goes to one Joseph Cocker. And at least he was doing it for a good cause.

    But I’m with you. What’s a three day weekend if not a chance to grow your own underarm spore collection in hopes that they’re hallucinogenic?

    Peace,
    Shannon

    • dufmanno

      Please tell me how long he held out! Joe Cocker + me = kindered spirits. Well, maybe if I could name more than four of his songs. Ohhhh, the underarm spore visual actually gave me pause. That’s good stuff!

  3. chuck

    I think I have to stop reading. TTTFN

  4. dufmanno

    Awww, c’mon. I promise the next one will be squeaky clean and shiny!

  5. The Last Post

    Oh I don’t think we have snuggies over here but I really want one. Just think if ever I got one I could cuddle down in it in autumn and not emerge until spring.

    What I do have though is a really old ripped pair of jeans, a jumper that comes to just above my knees and an old pair of woolly walking socks. They are soooo comfortable.

    I always know when they need washing because they keep the same shape when I take them off.

  6. dufmanno

    You need to make it a priority to start a Snuggie movement in your area. Actually, scratch that. They are far more dangerous to society than previously thought. Now they are offering them for your pets.

  7. Oh, man, I cannot condone the Snuggie wearing (Dude. That’s just wrong), but I also possess the ability to pair the worlds comfiest, stretchiest Hammer pants-looking sweats with, I don’t know, cashmere and legwarmers. So be comfy, ask somebody to bring you a soda or a sandwich, and relax all you want to. Happy new year!

  8. dufmanno

    You will all be happy to know that I have put down the Snuggie and walked away. It was destroying my reputation as a goddess of rock.

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