What The Hell Is THAT!

Wow. I’ve just come across something in the corner of my room that defies explanation. An unidentifiable mound of questionable origin that can’t be categorized due to what appears to be fossilization. Old chicken nugget, dried spot of dog vomit, poop? I’m at a loss here. I’ve set up a crime scene type boundary around the area so that I can take some time to investigate and run a few tests before removing it.
My car used to have a similar problem. Various discarded food containers and half-finished soft drink bottles rolled wildly around while I zoomed through DC on my way to one event or another. Every time someone tried to exit or enter things flew out behind them and on to the street, or worse attached themselves to their clothing. That would usually require the cars owner (me) to offer the service of removing these things from the frightened passengers followed by a disgusted “your car is fucking vile” from the victim.
During the summer things would go from bad to worse. Whenever the car was left out in the blazing DC heat, the bacteria would multiply and produce a stench that would punch you in the face as soon as you opened the door. Nothing beats the combo of four-week old McDonald’s hamburger, sour milk clinging to the bottom of a year old sippy cup and urine. That’s right. Il Duce thought it would be a laugh riot if he stripped down naked inside (while I tried to conduct a conversation outside the car) whipped it out and peed all over my seats. No amount of cleaning or perfuming can defeat the pungent odor of kid pee.

My husband laughed at me a few weeks ago when I was going around sniffing various areas trying to determine where the stench of garlic was coming from. Now, I’m Italian so I’m used to having this particular smell oozing from my pores for weeks at a time. Especially after a trip home to NY to eat the raw cloves on top of my favorite dish at Romolo’s (BEST RESTAURANT EVER)- angel hair pasta with garlic and oil.

Here I do need to stop and tell you that Romolo’s appears to shave the garlic (yes, just like they do in prison in the movie Goodfellas) and place it delicately on top of this mind-blowing entree.

But I digress.

This garlic was just wrong. Too overpowering, overcooked and nauseating. I spent the better part of that day making piss faces and dropping unnecessary comments so I’m sure he was about ready to silence me with the aluminum bat we keep behind the radiator.

We continue to find golden surprise nuggets around our house daily so we are never without something to worry about or categorize. Occasionally we just sigh and leave it there, other times we break out the hazmat suits and pull a Silkwood but it seems as though with offspring and pets this type of occurence is the norm. Or at least the norm for pathetic, throw in the towel types like myself. My mother would be aghast.



Filed under 1, garlic, great new york restaurants, kids, messy cars, my husband probably wants to kill me, unidentified substances

5 responses to “What The Hell Is THAT!

  1. I hate finding strange things in my house or anywhere else. I always want to investigate, poke it, but then get so disgusted I make Devoted Spouse actually get rid of it. EmmaLou sometimes brings pieces of “things” in the house and drops them there for us to discover. Ugh. As for odors, the all-time worst was when I was transporting my cat home from the vet and he peed in his carrier which leaked onto the front seat. Only I didn’t realize it at the time so it soaked in. We tried everything – Devoted Spouse even pulled out the seat, took it apart and replaced the foam inside and still that car smelled. I finally traded it in to get rid of the smell. Ridiculous. No more cats…

  2. The Last Post

    Having once owned a dog I too used to find unidentified objects lying around the house. The ones that used to worry me were those that disappeared when I went to get the dustpan. I had nightmares of them uncurling and scurrying off while I was away.

    As for my car, well all I will say is that it is used to ferry my three year old niece around.

  3. dufmanno

    The pet/kid combo is the kiss of death for any car. As for what is found in the house. Your guesses are as good as mine:)

  4. At our old house, our basement became a disaster area. The kitty litter was down there too. One day I was searching for something and I looked behind a door, which was on the other side of the basement from the kitty litter. There sat a mountain of cat turds about eight inches tall. On top sat one of those Little People carts, as though the cats were hauling their turds one by one across the basement and forming some kind of burial mound.

    It was really bizarre.

    Your car sounds about as gross as ours. We have a Subaru and our way back is filled with crap. Then we took our cat to the vet and he freaked out and sprayed diarrhea everywhere. I’d like to say we cleaned it out thoroughly and removed the stench. I’d *like* to say that.


  5. dufmanno

    Nothing beats the diarrhea spray. I’m actually working hard to conjure a mental image of the cat poo mountain and the Little People carts. That is the most innovative way I’ve ever heard of for transporting shit. You should have their I.Q. ‘s tested.

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