Beaten to the Punch

Completely insane things that my mother has said to me over the last two years.

“Sit down you stupid buffoon!” (through clenched teeth at my grandmothers funeral when I made the mistake of giggling while bringing up the gifts)

“You really should take separate planes, that way if one goes down you won’t all be wiped out at once and I’ll still have some family. There are no fender benders in the sky you know.”

“That is neglect …pure and simple….I can’t even watch” (when we let our kids boogie board in the ocean)

“This bathroom is a disgrace, now I have to drive home to pee.”

“Close your mouth when you eat.”

“Please let me vacuum.”

“Dear God, you better watch him he looks funny. It’s probably swine flu.”

“Never carry a baby down uncarpeted hardwood stairs in socks! Do you want him to live out the rest of his life in a wheelchair? Crippled before he even learned to walk. What a shame.”

“Is that urine?”

“This is an abomination. Has my lifelong campaign of fear taught you nothing?”

“Plague, hanta virus, all the things mankind has worked so hard to eradicate, probably right there festering, cooking up a new strain right in that two year old water bottle that’s been here sitting in direct sunlight.”

” How do you live like this, worse how can you expose your own children?”

“Is that a fossilized chicken mcnugget on my seat? Unacceptable, we are taking my car.”

After writing down all the gems I could think of someone pointed out this guy  and I nearly died. I wouldn’t trade my mom in for all the money in the world now. This fellow wins hands down, and his dad is pretty freaking awesome too.


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Filed under 1, mothers, unsolicited advice

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