Today is not going well.
I should have known things were going to start swirling down the bowl when typing out my blog name I wrote Dud man Ho instead of Dufmanno.
I’m a dud, and a man ho.
Then I wrote a post over at Culture Brats and I started to feel better.
They are like the friend with the Wondertwin powers that you activate by touching matching rings and taking the shape of a really awesome creature or form of matter (SHAPE OF….AN EAGLE) except you don’t have to wear the matching purple body suits or own a space monkey.
Right after I finished that up, my friend Vapid asked me to make a super list of fictional characters I’d like to have relations with.
Because I’m Catholic, I have to pretend that my husband has died and I’ve been given a get out of hell free card from the Church and a note from my now deceased husband indicating that I’m invoking the “free pass” rule. Usually spouses give each other this “pass” in extreme circumstances.
If my husband is in a shipwreck and is one of only two survivors on a desert island and the other person is Cindy Crawford then he is totally allowed to have sex with her.
If I am walking down the street and the reunited members of the Police pull up in the tour bus, throw open the doors and summon me inside, I am allowed to remain there for at LEAST two days with no questions asked.
With no further ado, here is my list.
Gary Oldman from Romeo Is Bleeding.
Yes, Gary Oldman. Anything you say.
What is it about Gary Oldman? He’s wildly appealing in that dangerous off kilter way that I REALLY like. If you’ve never seen his mind-boggling scenes with Lena Olin in this film, do yourself a favor and rent it. You WON’T be disappointed.
Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything.
Okay, I know he’s just a lovable dork and there is nothing steamy about this but how can you NOT love the guy who stands in front of your house with his gun-metal grey boom box blaring In Your Eyes?
Harrison Ford in Presumed Innocent.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
I know he’s fucking old as dirt now but I really like him in this one. He seems virtually incapable of resisting Greta Scacchi and that scene on the desk in the office doesn’t hurt either. Also, um he was Han Solo and Indiana Jones for Christ’s sake!
Number 2 A TIE
Okay, hard to fathom that I'm looking at young Peter Gallagher here.
That’s right people it’s a tie between the threesome in the 1982 classic Summer Lovers (Darryl Hannah, Peter Gallagher and Valerie Quinnessen the french chick no one ever heard from again) and the threesome in The Dreamers (sultry but scandalously young-looking Michael Pitt, Eva Green & Louis Garrell). This one needs no explanation. Threesome people!
You know it couldn’t be any other way. The fictional Kyle Reese from the Terminator played to sexually explosive perfection by thinking man’s action hero, Michael Biehn.
Hey, can you pump the rifle again for kicks?
I’m hot. I’m naked. I came across time for you. I’ve never had sex before. I’m madly in love with you. Watch me pump this shotgun.
And whoops, next thing you know you’re pregnant with mankind’s last hope.
So there you have it.