40: Oh hi 12-year-old self it’s me twenty-eight years in the future, how are you?
12: Holy crap ,are you kidding me?!
40: No, no not kidding .I’m here to let you know that in the future you will type on a computer and be able to communicate with people from all over the world not just play pong on your Atari gaming system or asteroids on the Intellivision system that your mom, whoops I mean Santa, is going to bring you next Christmas!
12: What? Wait, there’s no santa? FUCK, I knew it! But Intellivision, that’s awesome, Cathy Fermaint will shit her pants when she finds out! She thinks she’s so hot with all her Atari games – well screw her and her mastery of space invaders. NO ONE will be going over THERE after school anymore. Has been.
40: Also 12-year-old self ,I have some news about The Police.
12:You mean the biggest band in the universe? You should see the new poster I just got at Sam Goody….so dreamy…..
40: Yes. After the Synchronicity tour they just vanish in a puff of smoke with no real explanation. They go their separate ways and it takes them over twenty years to tour again. And….I have more bad news…
12 : Oh god what? Does one of them die?
40: No, no. But.. you miss the tour.
12:WHAT?! What kind of stupid moron misses something like that? It’s bad enough that you look like this at 40, I mean, don’t they have super ray guns in the future to blast off those wrinkles and destroy that grey? God, what type of horrible fate is this? Can I prevent this from happening?
40: You are getting off track 12-year-old self. Ignore what I look like, it’s been a rough day in 2009 and I had like NO personal time today, otherwise I would have at least colored my hair. I’ve got, well I guess we’ve got, three demanding kids, two dogs and a husband.
12: OH.MY.GOD. Please tell me it’s not Dominik Leonetti!!!
40: Oh lord no. And for what it’s worth I was glad to see you cold cock him after that incident with Jennifer White and the kickball team. No you , well we, marry a wonderful guy. He’s a musician!
12: Oh shit is it Stewart Copeland!?? Please tell me we get married!!!!
40: No 12-year-old self it isn’t Stewart, he’s happily married with like four hundred kids.
12: Four hundred!?
40: Well more like seven, but still as anyone with kids knows that can feel like four hundred. But listen 12-year-old self we digress, I need you to do something for me.
12: What is it?
40: All those albums, cassette tapes, photo books everything you’ve got- keep them.
40: And another thing, make sure you pester your parents to take you to see The Police live instead of that dreadful Duran Duran concert you will be seeing with your friends. Heed my words for this will be your biggest regret.
12:Fine, but can I ask you a question?
12: What has happened to my ass?
40: Well 12-year-old self, it has fallen. That shit happens after three kids and no amount of propping it up or stair climbing will help. So enjoy that body for all it’s worth for about eighteen more years.
12: Wow, that freaking sucks. Okay then, it’s been great talking to you but Vicky and Julie are waiting for me so we can walk to Stout Steve’s and buy Creem magazine and maybe even Tiger Beat.
40: You know it wasn’t exactly easy getting here to tell you this, maybe we could just sit and chat for a bit. There is so much going on in the future, it’s spectacular.
12: So , they can’t figure out a way to get rid of fat, wrinkles or grey hair?
12: Did anyone find a cure for cancer?
40: Well no, but there’s….
12: Ah, ah, ah. I think I’ve heard enough about this ”future” you speak of. Be gone scary lady with your bad hair and ill-fitting clothes. I want no more bad news.
40: Okay then. Good luck you plucky little metal mouthed girl. Enjoy the ride!
12: I will!