Category Archives: crap shack

I Wanna Know

Someone recently very kindly pointed out to me that blogs occasionally contain some personal information about the author and their daily lives. This voyeuristic quality apparently makes it fun to quietly watch them go about their business while getting a peek into their brain.

This of course was a nice but passive aggressive way to let me know that me and my life are not at all present in the things I write.

Sure, occasionally I like to fume over the mindless jaywalker who stepped into oncoming traffic while I was on the road or reveal the horrifying incident at the Chipotle that took place only hours after my young son learned that ladies did in fact have vaginas instead of wieners but for the most part I leave my day-to-day happenings at the doormat when I step over the WordPress threshold.

After so many years of working diligently to not be vulnerable, needy or a pain in somebody elses ass, I’d almost forgotten how brilliant it is to see a person write something stripped down and bare enough that it makes them look completely human.

I’m not exactly sure when vulnerability and truth fell so out of fashion in my mind but there are days when all this autonomous droning about impersonal subjects and flaunting my “independence” gets tedious.

To exert so much energy in opposition to what I really feel at times is exhausting. It’s a struggle that results in exactly what I don’t want.

More isolation.Less warmth.

Since I am slow to absorb the most basic changes in routine, I’ll need to marinate in this sea of change for a few hours before I can produce a worthwhile post on the terrible new development of vagrants shitting in my garage.

Seriously. It’s either a guy without access to indoor plumbing, an urban Yeti or a bear that’s escaped from the zoo.

23 Comments

Filed under a screw loose, adversity, am I doing anything right?, Back to basics, bad writing about nothing, buffoonery, crap shack, crazy ramblings, do this for me, do you really have the time to read about my life, don't destroy my dreams, don't take a crap in my garage please, excuses, foul language in preschool, getting it together, good smells bad smells, hidden grammar errors and bad writing, hole in my life, I can't spell, I can't end a story OR a blog post, I complain too much, I enjoy being inferior, i like to pretend, I need to get an original thought, I run fast, i said it was uncategorizable, I'm a hack, I'm a jerk!, I'm all over the map, make it more personal

Wanted: P.O.S.

I know it’s probably hard to imagine that I could be wanting for anything more in my life since I’ve spent so much time residing here in awesomeville but lately I’ve had my eye out for my much fantasized about beach getaway home.

That’s right folks I’m in the market for a beach crack house crap shack.

Note that I don’t actually have any money to buy this little slice of heaven with, I’m just getting started.

It only has to have one room and running water and I’m golden.

I love the smell of the ocean, the windswept dunes and the kids that look like they were imported from the front of the J. Crew summer catalog before it started selling all cashmere instead of cotton.

The hypertension and frown lines begin to abate and the idea of playing the bongos shirtless outside seems a little less ridiculous.

So you aren’t interested in funding my windswept and ocean battered dreams?

I have another option for you!

Recently I was combing the realtor.com pages for a farmhouse getaway and I came across this house which is the EXACT replica of the home I grew up in Stony Point, New York. What’s even more bizarre? This house is in Stony Point as well!

my old house was even painted the SAME colors! Meant to be people.

My house came with extensive acreage and a few outbuildings but this one will do.

Feel free to purchase it at your leisure and then we can have you sign the Deed of Trust over to me in a timely manner.

Can’t you see the warm country house memories that I’ll be making here?

Baking bread and lighting fires while wild berries and apples grow outside. This is going to be spectacular!!!

***Update*****

No, no one has bought me my house yet, but the people over at Culture Brats have the new 80′s fashion disaster post up and I love them with all my heart so go pay those guys a visit and give them a big kiss xoxox

17 Comments

Filed under 1, beach house, crap shack, do this for me, don't destroy my dreams, I love the beach, I'll take a country house instead, sand, seagulls, surf, things I can't have