Sometimes I think humans enjoy trying to outdo each other intellectually in public to prove how far we’ve evolved from that dim witted creature who crawled out of primordial ooze. If we cut each other down in private where no one can see how awesome we are, what’s the point really?
Only a few thousand years ago we were clubbing each other over the head and boldly taking wives, livestock and tribe domination without brandishing statistics and quoting from The National Review, The Atlantic or the New Yorker.
We killed things with our bare hands or crudely constructed tools, not with our rapier sharp wit and put down skills.
Basically we kicked ass.
Recently, I watched two supposed intellectuals snarling at each other with those smug self satisfied smirks they get when they use overly convoluted sentences and barely concealed naked aggression, hoping to distract each other enough so that each would either make a mistake or look dumb during a useless arguement.
I spent a lot of time sighing and wondering how much use these skills would be when the world finally falls into apocalyptic chaos.
While following their back and forth smarty volley it finally got to the point where I was spending so much time looking up weird references and quotes on my iphone that I became overwhelmed with the urge to shoot both participants dead to release the world from their useless blowhard ramblings.
I mean, you might be able to outsmart and hurl a few insults about Jebadiah’s intellect in public, cutting him down to size in a televised debate but it won’t do you much good against his expert marksman skills when he’s about to take you out at twenty feet in an open field.
Unless those snarky comments that helped you feel so superior just minutes ago can make you can run *really* fast they won’t be of use to you in this new situation.
To add insult to injury, you will probably be served over a bed of cous cous and vegetables that evening while his tribe absorbs those “smarts” by eating your brain.
There is a simple beauty to this bleak future.
If you upset me, I stab or bludgeon you on the spot or we set up a thunderdome style cage fight. There are no hours of contemplation, deciphering whether or not that clever quip you used was genuinely intended to insult me with obscure data from a rarely read study in a much heralded publication.
You’re dead, I’m vindicated.
The time and effort saved here is something to really think about.
The freedom to put down dumb people will be a thing of the past because soon they’ll be unleashed with no big brains to reign supreme.
Here are some survival tips for you smarties. Good luck.
1. How Not To Be Seen. (Ode to Python) The Art of Camouflage.
You know how you wore those camo pants to the feminist rally to look uncharacteristically hardcore? Well now they have a practical purpose. Run and hide. Build yourself a green camo village and stay there.
2. Sharpen Your Instincts.
Life in the big city surrounded by all that culture and breeding has deadended your lifesaving intuition.
A friendly fox approaches, how cute! Smart people love ALL animals unlike the BARBARIANS who hunt and kill them!
NO! No, no, no, no.
How can you be so smart yet so dumb? It’s daytime! Foxes are notoriously skittish! This animal is RABID! Unless you want to spend the remainder of the days you have left in your camo village foaming at the mouth with a bizzare fear of water you best turn tail and RUN!
3. New Criteria For Choosing A Mate
That sweet, sensitive hipster dude with the glasses and the witty comebacks was speared and eaten by the dominant tribe weeks ago and you need a new man!
Things to look for: speed, aggression, agility, size, leadership qualities. The quarterback of the post civilized world. This will test everything about you as a human being as you’ve been raised to hate entitled athletes and lunkheads. You must swallow this like an old pro and join the harem. Hopefully, you can use some of those old apathy and mind game skills you honed on your lesser boyfriends to peak his interest and keep him happy.
Smarts can’t control nature. Contrary to the Greek chorus that follows intellectuals around to asssure them of their own superiority, they are not Zeus, Posideon, Jesus or any other god like entity.
Just because you will the elements not to destroy you, doesn’t mean they must listen.
Learn some survival 101. While I’m as fond of the Israeli issue gas masks as the next gal, you’d be better off taking a Mossad offered basics course and a boy/girl scout refresher. Always be prepared is your new motto.
5. Stop Being Such a Know It All
The most important thing to remember is that anyone who has ever taken the time to correct someone elses pronunciation, grammar or spelling is going to be the first person run through with a sword or pierced with the arrow of a crossbow hunter, so for the love of God, STOP DOING IT! I have seen some of the worlds smartest people make these mistakes yet they LOVE to point out when others have done so.
I used to console myself about stuff like this by noting that I’m just stupid and smart enough to “get by” no matter which side emerges triumphant. Brains win? I’ll start memorizing noteworthy stories in the New York Times so I look like I’m up on important matters. Braun takes the lead? I can swing and axe and stack wood making me useful in a village.
In a strange twist of fate, the WordPress spellcheck went out of whack before I published this so I may have just come down on the stupid side hard. I expect everyone will be nitpicking my grammatical errors since I have not the time nor the inclination to remember how things are actually supposed to be without a computer editor.