Blue Jays Are Fucking Insane

Look at how regal I am. I'm such a smarmy fuck, I deserve a punch in the beak.

 

I know someone somewhere has probably taken notice of this trend and written about it, so for repeating the obvious I apologize but today while taking my morning coffee on my back deck I witnessed a bird crime so heinous that I just had to run in and say something about it.

Now you may say to yourself; “self why would she be outside watching the behavior of our feathered friends?”

Well, I’ll tell you why.

Ever since my computer ceased to function, I’ve had to spend outrageous amounts of time outdoors. While there I’ve been privy to many animal shenanigans, the unhinged behavior of the blue jay being the absolute worst.

The blue jay is like the overly emotional terminator of the bird world. It can’t be bargained with, it can’t be reasoned with and it absolutely will not stop EVER until you are dead.

Except what the terminator possessed in cold calculated efficient killing prowess the blue jay lacks. It’s like your mom during menopause in that the things that provoke it make absolutely no sense.

Walk down the street to get a sandwich?

Blue jay doesn’t like that so it swoops down like a Pteranodon hunting for prey aiming straight for your head.

He has no idea why he is doing this, yet he is compelled to do it over and over to every single person taking a walk on the same strip of concrete.

Humans run screaming from the attack and word spreads quickly “don’t walk the strip  between State and Main man, there’s a fucking psychotic blue jay pecking out eyes!”

Blue jays are also total assholes to other birds.

Nasty pointy headed blue bastards are the bully of the bird world.

 I tried to figure it out once.

 They are the slightly larger than your normal run of the mill bird but not quite in the “bird of prey” category where they can swoop down with astronomical speed and precision, grab you up  and squeeze the life out of you with razor-sharp talons before feeding you to their young.

Birds of prey are bad ass and I personally think the blue jay suffers from a  Napoleon Complex so severe it causes them to lash out blindly at smaller defenseless birds.

So back to today’s incident.

I’m on the back porch sipping my first cup of coffee when all of a sudden a ruckus erupts in the sky, across the alley.

In what is obviously a desperate attempt to save their nest a pair of sweet little love birds (I don’t know if this is the proper term for them, but they were small furry and OBVIOUSLY in love) wove and dodged around the large powerful attacks by this vicious blue jay who just kept coming back for more every time he was temporarily repelled.

It looked like he was going for their eggs and as a parent I can tell you that is exactly the kind of shit that enrages me.

Fucking blue jay.

It makes me want to wander the earth in search of every clan of large menacing black crows I can find to show them a photo of this blue fuck. Then I would wait for the image of this son of a bitch to imprint on the collective memory of each one of their kind (because they have the power of telepathy and excellent problem solving skills).

At that point I would just leave it to them because a crow NEVER FORGETS. It would be like I nailed a blue jay  WANTED poster in all the  bird post offices across the country.

So at this point I think we can all agree that the world would be a better place without blue jays. If you see one today, throw a large rock at it or hit it with a broom. Consider it payback.

Fuck you Blue Jays.

32 Comments

Filed under birds, I hate blue jays, never trust a bird with a pointy head, things that happen on a Saturday morning

32 responses to “Blue Jays Are Fucking Insane

  1. dbs

    Napoleon complex? Exactly. Just like my brother. (He’s a bit of an asshole too.)
    P.S. Robins are nuts too. My neighbour was attacked once and he said he screamed like a girl.

    • dufmanno

      Birds are an odd lot. Some are so endearing (ie, snowy owl, fuzzy baby chick) others are just not right (full grown chickens, angry geese that shit everywhere like the world is their toilet which I guess it really is because where else are they going to shit?).
      Birds must know that some scientist somewhere already connected them to the dinosaurs so they are totally chuffed about that and act accordingly.
      “That’s right bitch, watch me strut. I was once forty feet tall and covered in scales!”
      Well, guess what birds?
      I can fell you with one well thrown rock.
      So in reality it’s like I took down a T-Rex

    • INGRAMS

      Too bad you had to use such bad language as I could have used your picture to help a student!

  2. Alannah Murphy

    Mental psychotic birds huh? I don’t think we have Blue Jays here, they don’t look familiar then again, maybe our Crows, Ravens and Magpies have killed them all in some bizarre Bird Mafia type war…

    Best animal sighting for me: A HUGE Magpie, chasing a Squirrel, they both went past a startled Duck, who looked like he was thinking WTF!

    • dufmanno

      That’s right up there with Godzilla vs. King Kong as observed by Rodan and Mothra who wait patiently on the sidelines for their shot.
      You really have to write a monster movie some day.

  3. Tom G.

    Blue Jays are the frat boys of the Bird world. Short, Irish frat boys with big chips on their shoulder.s

    Assholes.

    Also, we might need to take up a collection to get you a new computer. Internet traffic is down 30% without your comments.

  4. I’m going to be the annoying friend who is 6 months older or who has one more kid or has done everything you have yet to do and tell you this. Cardinals are way worse. They make you think they’re sweet little things with their bewitching vocal chords but they’d sooner eat their young than give up one inch of their turf. It’s one thing to go out in search of food (albeit somebody else’s unhatched eggs) but your own? That’s just sick.

    • dufmanno

      Actually I consider your warning a public service as I had NO idea that the majestic red cardinal was an asshole too.
      Another bird on my shit list.

      • Please add the Grackle to that list. Those shiny black punks are like a little gang. They flock in like little feathered Crips and Bloods and take over the feeder.

  5. michael freeman

    Im not to proud to admit that your latest offering was the impetus of me spending 2 glorious hours on youtube looking for a noteworthy RODAN reference…..couldnt find one,but enjoyed spending time with a forgoten old friend of the Colassal Avian variety…..”Cinemassacre Monster Madness”+6 Bud Lights= pure joy…..guess you could call it a feather in your cap….(Godawful pun intended….)

    • dufmanno

      By the way I rewatched Rodan on Netflix last month and I had forgotten exactly how long it took to actually SEE the monster in that one.
      Also, I got confused because the beginning portion had mine workers being killed by savage prehistoric grub bugs that they had disrupted with their blasting.
      I wondered if I had gotten the wrong movie because I had no recollection of the worm monsters from the last time I saw it.
      Finally Rodan appeared and terrorized the population with his supersonic flight speeds and I knew I was in the right place.
      Godzilla vs. King Kong still blows it away though.

  6. This is epic. See, amazing things happen when we go outside! Like nuggets of wisdom about bird-bullying.

    So fantastic.

    • dufmanno

      I’m done with outside. I had my moment of real life in the sun and now I’m back in front of the eerie bluish glow of my computer friend.
      For a few days I thought I would be able to rid myself of the scurvy and rickets but I’m back to my old ways.

  7. “It’s like your mom during menopause in that the things that provoke it make absolutely no sense.” this line and post had to be one of your funniest to date. blue winged feathered fucks!

    • dufmanno

      I saw him again today except he was terrorizing birds in the front of my house this time. Sneaky jerk hid in a low branch and then went for the jugular. This time a pigeon felt his wrath!

  8. My dog is terrified of the blue jays in the neighborhood. When the weather changes every year I swear she gets PTSD. They have attacked her IN FRONT OF ME.

    I’m a little scared of them too.

  9. Crows never forget and they develop grudges.

    When you show the crows the blue jay’s picture, write under it “talked shit about your mom”. Trust me on this.

    • dufmanno

      When I see a crow all I can imagine is the looming figure of the grim reaper lumbering up the hill not far behind him.
      Crows look like they know something that I most certainly don’t. Like the exact time and place I’m destined to die.

  10. Elly Lou

    Nasty ass Honey Badger ain’t got nuttin’ on the blue jay, yo.

    • dufmanno

      Now that is a match I’d pay to see. The Nasty ass Honey Badger vs. the Blue Jay. Winner fights a scrappy mongoose.

    • dufmanno

      Somewhere deep inside the deserted caverns of my heart I still have a shred of leftover understanding for birds.
      My first pet, if you don’t count my ill fated attempt with sea monkeys, was acually a yellow parakeet.
      His name was Georgie and my mom told me one day it got too cold for him here so he “flew south”.

  11. I always envision Bluejays to be Spainards…. I don’t know why… Something about queen elizabeth protecting the English rule while the spaiards are all… Badges, we don’t need no stinking badges…

    • dufmanno

      It shouldn’t surprise you that when I imagine the blue jay cursing me out, he’s doing it in Spanish.
      I love it when you give me new material to work with.

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